?

Log in

GOODBYE LIVEJOURNAL.

it has been an interesting journey with you.
i am leaving the world of LJ.

see you somewhere else in cyberspace or real life.

GOODBYE.
So, I'm back in SB from UCSD.  QPC was this weekend, and it was...okay.  Our delegation was good though.  I think we all got a chance to bond.  The conference itself was alright, but omggg, everything else was so weird and awkward for me.  It's like, so many things were crashing into me: past, present, future.  It was all so uncomfortable.

BD was there.  Things changed/are different.  It was weird.  Kinda sad, not gonna lie.  I set myself up again.  And, when things didn't happen as I envisioned, I got disappointed.  I was disappointed that BD wasn't MG, tbh.

EY was also there.  THAT WAS AWKWARD.  What was really uncomfortable/sad was how much BD and RF were talking/hanging out.  Was I jealous?  Was I wanting the same attention?  Was I still not ready to be in a queer social setting?  Am I not over MG?

So, I was met with my past during this weekend.  It was the same weekend last year that I met him.  All of this crashed with my present, which BD is now also in the past.  And the future.  I think, being in a queer space like QPC made me think about my capacities to be in other queer spaces.  And, it made me think about next weekend.  I'm scared.  I'm nervous.  I dunno how I'm gonna act or react or feel.  I dunno if I'm ready because this time I 100% know I'll see him in the flesh and hear his voice in over 2 months.

I dunno.

I just know that I'm still sick, even more behind in school work, and a lot closer to meltdown.

feeling like death.

I am SO sick.  I went to Student Health yesterday and he never told me what I contracted or what was wrong with me.  He just said I was at a very crucial point--I can either get drastically worse or recover.  Well, thanks?  So he prescribed me like, 6 medications.  One of them has codeine in it.  That shit's craaaazy.  But I kept waking up during the night and my chest started hurting rrrreeally badly, and there were shooting pains from my chest to my left shoulder.  WTF.  I don't wanna die!  I was literally worried and concerned.  I think I'm gonna lessen the dosage of my meds.

I also cannot eat anything.  I have no appetite, until I get dizzy.  Then I can only eat like, pho or canned Progresso soup.  <sigh>

I've asked for extensions on my papers and assignments in all my classes, because really, I cannot function.  This LJ post is taking me really long to finish, and I'm moving really s l o w l y.

My body finally caught up to me, I feel.  It's my body's way of saying "This is what you get, suckaaa" for abusing it all the time, staying up, drinking too much, etc etc.  I get it, Body, I get it, now can we recover? (Gross, the carrots in my soup are mushy)

Aside from my physical ailments, I think I've come to a satisfying place in my life.  I think a lot of what I was still holding onto had been released from my body, my heart.  I still don't know what triggered it, but I think it had to do with the real realization that MG iiis going through stuff in his life.  I mean, I knew he was, but I really didn't know the intensity at which it was affecting him, ya know?  So, I respect that.  And, I realize that I was being a little selfish in thinking that he should be fighting for me too.  But, that's all done now.  I mean, I still miss him, in some capacities, and I still think about him sometimes, but I think I just wanna wish him well.

This past weekend was interesting.  Got to reconnect with BD.  Building bridges, right?  Heeeey.

Well, anyway, my body is hurting, so I'm gonna nap.

JRR.

was that it?

Was that the epiphany I needed?
I don't think it was an epiphany...but...it put things in hella perspective.  It kind of released something from my heart.  Hmm...

We'll see.

I still care about you, but in a different way now.  I respect you.

JRR.

damaged.

I am.
And, I recognize it.
I've lost control of a lot of things.
And, I'm severely broken.  From so many things.  And people.

I need to regain control.
But, I'm spiraling.

I read amazing articles for my Womyn of Color class, and Asian American Sexualities class.  I'm sometimes moved to tears.  I eat up the stories, the lives, the experiences.  I feel them in my heart.  I rejoice in their healing, their processing.  Yet, I can't see that in my own stories, my own experiences.  A part of me doesn't want to see that.

Healing has never been an easy process for me.  Something always interrupts it--new relationships, disagreements with family or friends, old issues, work and school.  Denial coats the pain and prevents actual healing.
-Patricia Justine Tumang

Am I in denial?
What am I running from?
Do I perpetually and subconsciously desire for hurt and unhappiness in my life?
When I found happiness and love, did I not want it?  Do I not want it still?

I dunno.
I miss my mom.
I think I might call my sister and cry over the phone with her.  I wonder if she knows what it feels like to lose your first love, to feel lost, to feel disconnected from your friends, your family, the world.

Oh gawd, I just need a vacation.  A really long vacation.  From life.

JRR.

parliament.

I've been smoking cigarettes again.
I stopped smoking for him.
Did you know that?

I opened The Box tonight.  For the first time in 6 weeks.
I cried.

"Your left calf is bigger than your right," some guy at my apartment said.
"Thank you for pointing out my flaws," I said. Motherfucker, I thought.

Spiraling.
Downward.
Crashing.
Burning.
No stability.
Clouded in smoke.

I am l o s t.
I am e m p t y.

I am hanging on a thread ready to snap any second.
Now?
Am I falling?
I don't feel it.
I don't feel anything.

Bloodshot.
Shot of blood.
Blank.

here.there.nowhere.
JRR.

"I want flour!"

I want this week to be over.
I want this month to be over.
Actually, I want this quarter to be over.
No, scratch that...I want everything to be over.

I am so done.  I am so fucking done.  I'm so done holding onto something that is more emotionally damaging than fulfilling.  I'm so done holding onto the idea of being able to do good organizing and being a good student.  I'm so done hating my living situation.  I'm so done being frustrated, tired, helpless, lost.  I'm so done having to defend myself against fucked up people.  I'M SO FUCKING DONE.

But the sad thing is...I'm not.  I'm not done, or else I would've walked away, found solutions.  I'm still holding on, and I can't seem to loosen the grip.  And, I don't know why.  Why am I sacrificing myself, my strength, my time, my emotional stability...to be in these fucked up situations?

This weekend was a hot mess.  I feel so unfulfilled...in so many ways.  And, this weekend really reminded me of that.  Despite the great events I went to, the fact that I had good conversations with Diane Fujino, Matef, got to meet Adolfo Matos, and visited the exhibit on Puerto Rican political prisoners...I FEEL SO FUCKING UNFULFILLED.  It's like, I have these moments of great joy and empowerment, but they're so overshadowed by my own personal/internal struggles.  They're clouded by self-doubt, insecurity, fear, frustration.  And, I'm so at a point where I don't have the emotional investment or strength to do anything about it.  Because I'm tired.  I'm tired of disappointing myself.

I'm tired of lying to myself.

I'm not ready.  I'm not ready to try to heal because I don't know how.  I'm not ready to tackle internalized issues and insecurities.  I can't.  I don't have the emotional capacity to do that right now.

So I'm gonna get on with my life, put my personal healing on pause, and just try to get shit done.  Because, that's what I do know how to do.

I'm gonna put my guard back up, stick to my rules, and not let myself fall for anyone or anything.

SB was a mistake--a motherfucking mistake.  I can't believe I let myself believe I could find what I was looking for in that situation.  I'm fucking stupid to think that that was what I should've done.  Motherfucker.

UGHHHH.
I hope you're happy, that I've built the wall back up.  Yes, YT, maybe I still am communicating in this passive aggressive way, but that's all I can do right now.  Because, it gives me the sort of frustrated fulfillment that doesn't really fulfill in the long run, but helps me get through the night.

I'm fucking tired of all this "healing" bullshit.  I can't do that right now.  So, don't ask me if I'm doing okay or if I need to process, because the answer is NO.

JRR.

wet sand.

I've never felt so tired.  I mean, I've been tired before.  I've gone 48 hours without sleep.  I've stayed up late studying, making posters, getting drunk, etc. etc.  But, I've never felt as tired as I do now in my whole life.

MY WHOLE LIFE!

I've stayed up until at least 3AM every night this week.  I had a midterm today (that I probably did horribly in).  I've had non-stop meetings and events to go to.  But, it's so much more than all of that.  I'm just tired...from life.  I'm burnt out, and my body, my heart, my mind...are shutting d o w n.  My eyes are sore, from being open (but vacant), from shedding tears (but not crying).  I don't know what's going on.

I'm tired of talking about healing.  I'm tired of telling myself I need to wake up and move the fuck on.  I'm tired of trying to live this happy, healed, adjusted life when I know that's not where I am right now.  I know all of the good things I need to know, I know that I need to give time for myself, I know.  But, it's so hard when I'm just not THERE yet.

I'm tired...
of feeling this way...
of living from devastating low to devastating low...
of masquerading during the day and bleeding hurt at night...
I'm tired...

It's like when you walk on wet sand.  You know, when you take a step, and your feet make this ring of light around it.  It's like a glow, a glimmer.  That's how my "healing" has been.  Glimmers of hope, here and there, step by step, never a constant shine, never long enough to savor.

I looked up at the stars tonight when I was walking home from campus.  They're always there, I thought.  Whenever I look up, the stars are always shining.  That's what I want my happiness to be like.  Stars, many of them, shining brightly, all that they can, all over the place.  And sometimes you get that shooting star, and it makes it extra special.  Constellations.  We're all constellations...with ourselves and with each other.

I wonder if you see the same stars as I do.  If your eyes wander the night sky with thoughts of limitless possibility for love and life swimming in your head.

I wonder if you feel the ocean's wind on your face like I do.  If your memory wanders and drifts like a soft breeze taking you to places and spaces lost in your past.

I wonder if you touch the sand as I do.  If your hands dig deep and endlessly, like the depths of our very own souls that remind us we are human, loving and hurting humans.

I'm tired, and all I want right now is a warm gust of wind to surround my empty spirit, to liven me in my self-awareness and assurance.  I'm tired, but all I can do is stare blankly at this screen, typing, t y p i n g.  This is my only company--these words, phrases, letters...put together to form something, something that has potential be be beautiful.  Potential to find truth.  But remains cold.  Remains silent.  Remains hidden.

I'm tired, and all I want is a navy blanket of stars in my life.

JRR.

Listen.

Go and hide and run away
Run away, run and find something better
Go and ride the sun away
Run away like it's simple
Like it's right...
"Still Hurting" from The Last Five Years

Another part of the song...

Jamie is over and where can I turn?
Covered with scars I did nothing to earn
Maybe there's somewhere a lesson to learn
But that wouldn't change the fact
That wouldn't speed the time
Once the foundation's cracked
And I'm
Still Hurting


The Last Five Years is a great musical.  I think it really captures the human experience, the heart's voice in relationships.  It's hurtful, it's honest, it's raw.  The lyrics are on point, and it reminds me that we all have the ability to change other people's lives.  We have the capacity to live and breathe and love and hurt.  We impact people...by our presence, our laughs, our smiles, our insecurities, our hurtful words.  And, in turn, we have the ability to do that for ourselves.  We have the capacity to love ourselves, to be honest with ourselves.  And so often we don't do that.

Sometimes we confuse "what is right for ourselves" with running away from ourselves and other people.  Because it's hard.  And, I fully believe that.  It's fucking hard to unpack our emotional baggage.  It's hard to reclaim our pasts.  It's hard to work on ourselves because it's a lifelong process that sometimes we don't wanna embark on...in fear...in fear of finding out things we're not ready to process, in fear of what we're capable of.

Running away isn't easy, and doesn't make anything else easier.  It's tiring.

I've been running too.  And, I'm tired.  You run and run...and you burn out because you get tired...and you spend so much time trying to catch up, running, running, r u n n i n g.

Still hurting.  Still healing.  Whoever said that it takes you half the amount of time as you were together to get over someone...is wrong.  You can't quantify your process of healing.  I have my days, my moments.  Of hurting, of healing.  I believe that I'll be okay...more than okay.  I'll be amazing.  And, I'll shine.  And, it'll be beautiful.  I believe that.  And, I do so in a way that doesn't ignore the hurt and pain I have to go through, will go through.  As jun-fung told me yesterday, sometimes it takes having to scrape at the bottom of your barrel to really blossom, to find that last drop of water and bloom into the beautiful flower we all are.

<3
JRR.

EDIT:

Motherfuckerrrr!!!  I'm so angry at life right now.  Ughhh.  I'm so tired and stressed and burned out.  My room's a mess, Jose and Miguel are having sex all the time, I'm so behind in class, I need to do laundry, I still want him, but hate him at the same time.  AAGGGHHHHHH.  I'm so pissed!!

JRR.

Activist for LOVE.

This weekend has been a roller coaster.


I'm glad I got to spend it with people I love.  Their support has been amazing, and I'm lucky to have such great people with great energy to surround myself with.  If I didn't, I dunno where I'd be.

It's been a process...of healing myself.  I'm not used to really focusing on myself because I'm usually the Giver.  I'm usually there for everyone else.  I always answer y'all's calls before checking in with myself.  So, it's been hard.  I told him I couldn't talk to him right now.  He IMed me tonight (by mistake maybe, I dunno), and it hurt.  I thought I was doing well, had a great weekend, but obviously I'm not all healed yet, ya know?  Or else I wouldn't have reacted the way I did--heart beating fast, nervous, hurt.  I cried a little.  <sigh>  I still miss him.

Renee exposed me to an amazing song.  "Hello" by Schuyler Fisk.  I want him to listen to it.


It's a good song.

Still healing.
JRR.